I wrap up the first month of 2021 with cautious optimism and one of my favorite books of all time: I’ll Give You the Sun. I tried to fill the playlist with as much youth and magic as the novel itself.
Growing Up and Growing Apart
At age 13, twins Jude and Noah are practically telepathic. They share a keen longing for their parents’ love, and navigate their budding artistry side by side. Yet Noah is constantly hiding a piece of himself, afraid to be - or even think about - who he truly is. As he tumbles head over heels for the charismatic boy next door, Jude is busy sitting atop the social ladder. Popular, daring, and loud, Jude seems sure of herself, and of her brother.
Three years later, the twins can hardly be in the same room together. Where they once shared a mind, they couldn’t be more distant. Grief and guilt have transformed the siblings into entirely different people, unable to cross the cavernous rift that has grown between them. As Jude narrates the latter years, she finds solace in sculpting with a new mentor, and begins to see the way back to who she was. Now, can she help Noah do the same?
Told in alternating narration, this coming-of-age novel revels in the effervescence and desperation of youth. Nelson offers us a bewitching exploration of sexuality, grief, identity, love, jealousy, art, and sexism that I won’t soon forget.
“In one split second I saw everything I could be, everything I want to be. And all that I’m not.”
Painting the Scene
Am I blinded by my nostalgia as I write this review? Perhaps. But as I’ve revisited it over and over again over the years, its beauty hasn’t faded. Jandy Nelson manages to capture the selfish, yearning teenage years with such lyrical, ethereal writing. And reading about these two characters and the mistakes they make actually makes me more sympathetic to my younger self. I wish I had treated my 13 and 16-year old self with such grace and understanding. Indeed, Nelson lends color to youth with a kind hand and artistic prose. She poetically explores toxic masculinity, homophobia, slut-shaming, grief, identity, love, jealousy, and art, and I cannot sing her novel’s praises loudly enough.
Now, big disclaimer: if you’re not into flowery, dramatic prose, this likely won’t be the book for you. I guess that makes me the target audience, for once!
And as I’ve admitted before, I love when siblings narrate two sides of the same story. Alternating narration in general tends to develop the characters and the plot in unique ways, and Nelson certainly accomplished that much in the novel. Just as with The Vanishing Half, each twin sees their other half in such intimate and disparate terms; it’s so interesting to see how their self-images diverge. As a twin myself, it’s also just compelling to watch once-inseparable siblings suddenly have such a painful, tense relationship with one another. Their dynamic was probably one of my favorites from the novel, though I do love Jude's mentee vibes with her grandma and Guillermo, plus Noah and Brian are SO CUTE.
I love Noah and Jude’s perspectives equally. They each see the world through such distinct eyes, and their thoughts feel so utterly personal. The narration, the imagery, the sensory details - all bordering on magical realism, yet somehow evoking the unmistakable effervescence and yearning of youth. The way that Noah paints each scene - literally - makes my creative heart sing. Noah's interior world explodes onto the page with color and passion. His art brings us that much closer to understanding him, just as it helps him process the world around him. I love Jude’s troubled relationship with her art, too, and the clear ways that grief and guilt have altered everything about her. Her reliance on superstitions and ghosts is at once endearing and haunting. My love for these two characters makes their separation all the more sharp and painful, especially as jealousy and a desire for their parents’ approval drives so much of their decision-making. They’re just kids who want to feel loved and seen, yet they seem to oscillate, one invisible while the other shines. I don’t excuse their problematic choices, and as readers we really aren’t asked to. The narrators themselves know that they have done terrible things, and they regret them so much that they retreat into shells of themselves.
My two main qualms are pretty much universally applicable to any novel, let alone YA. Naturally, I *loved* Oscar when I first read the book as a teen, and continued to swoon for him when I reread it in high school. After revisiting the book in college, though, I realized just what an archetypal “bad boy” he is. Hard exterior, tattooed, but a secret softie? I don’t blame Jandy Nelson for this, but the number of books I’ve read about a love interest with a “James Dean lean?” It’s high. And this dreamy tough guy is totally up Jude’s alley, so they don’t seem a bad match to me. He just reads at times like every girl’s Harry Styles fantasy (which, like, we’ve all been there). Yes, he’s more complex than that, but I think she could’ve pushed his character a bit further.
The only other problem I really had with the novel is one that is so common to many books, and I know many other readers who noticed this, too: the characters just refuse to explain some things, despite how quickly it would resolve all tension. I understand why Jude and Noah can’t own up to their actions - those lies are incredibly difficult to admit to someone you love. But it would’ve been almost too easy for Brian OR JUDE to explain their encounter at the party to Noah. Would this have detracted from the budding sibling rivalry and overall drama? Of course. But it’s infuriating that poor Noah’s pain just festers for so long when it was easily avoidable…
It's funny that I really had to try and get nitpicky with this novel. Usually character flaws or plot holes can jump off the page and clearly disrupt the flow, but that is not the case with I'll Give You the Sun. Again, maybe my nostalgia is just blinding me to comically huge narrative gaps here, but this was one of the first novels I read as a teen that really seemed to push storytelling boundaries AND explore heavier topics like sexuality and loss. These characters undergo so much development individually and as siblings, offering an important portrait of the imperfect nature of grieving. This is also among the very few novels I've read that attempts to depict artistry and succeeds. It's such a challenge to have a main character who is a visual artist, but Jude, Noah, and Guillermo's work felt incredibly real - I could see it all, clear as day. Their evolution as artists makes me so happy I could scream.
I'll Give You the Sun is a must-read coming-of-age story featuring timeless themes and endearing protagonists. Nelson's writing is ambitious and artistic; though her characters face great loss and prejudice, her prose remains light as air. It easily garners 4 - if not 4.5 - stars out of 5. I recommend this novel to readers of all ages, but especially those who enjoyed Fangirl, The Sun is Also a Star, and More Happy Than Not. (Though it's shelved with YA, this book has something for everyone.)
I Burn For You
Was that a reference to Bridgerton? Maybe - but it also applies to this week's pining, desperate soundtrack of youth. This was another fun playlist to make, especially because of the many dynamic relationships woven throughout the novel. I like to think that Noah and Jude would listen to these songs in real life, but the music also just evokes the dramatic, desperate, exciting lives of two 16-year-olds.
The Louvre - Lorde (An ode to our two artists, and their twin desires for success and approval.)
Burning - Maggie Rogers (Ugh, what better song for Noah and Brian? As Noah was navigating his confusing sexuality and inability to please his father, he found someone who made him feel totally himself - like waking up after years trapped in a dream.)
Invisible String - Taylor Swift (runner-up: Mad Woman) (There is, of course, this inextricable tie linking not just our narrators, but their lovers. As hard as they push each other away, they can never escape one another. As for Mad Woman, Jude frequently felt crazy for indulging in her superstitions and boycotting boys. She isolates herself in response to what’s happened to her, but everyone blames her. Also, hi Grandma Sweetwine, I see you, girl.)
Woman - Diana Gordon (A song for sweet, fiery Jude. She's powerful, but feels compelled to hide her strength - and her womanhood.)
Two Ghosts - Harry Styles (Noah and Jude routinely feel their mother's presence after her passing, and are sure that this haunting is punishment for their actions. They become ghosts themselves, hardly echoes of who they used to be.)
Easy - Troye Sivan, Kacey Musgraves (The lyrics and artistry in this song connect so deeply to Noah's experience understanding his sexuality. He fights his attraction to Noah initially, but it is a world-tilting connection. And in the wake of its destruction, he's left with only himself.)
Garden (Say it Like Dat) - SZA (More for the vibe than the story, this song speaks to a deep longing for love and a fear of being truly understood.)
I think I could continue adding to this playlist until the end of time. It's just so quintessentially ~teenager~ and captures the angst, romance, and loss integral to growing up. Is it weird that I feel proud and protective of these characters, but I also want to hang out with them at my age? I'm gonna go with no.
Happy February! May 2021 bring many more lovely reads.
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